april fools! :-)

04.01.2010

today was apparently april fools day, and i missed it. the twelve hours that i spent moping in bed were worthwhile, though. and i just got out of bed only to order chinese food and i'm going to blow my diet by drowning my sorrows in glorious general tso's.

it's been raining and i haven't hiked in three days, and i'm falling behind in my steps. if all goes well i'm going to pick it up again tomorrow. i've also missed a couple of updates—the internet was down for a couple of nights and i've been busy trying to keep my mind off of the thing that i should be writing about—that i probably need to be writing about.

this blog exists so i can get my emotions and feelings out there and then i'll have a clear head in day-to-day life. that's a damn good purpose, if you ask me. but some things i'm just not ready for. i mean, this is final boss shit here, man, and even though i've done all my grinding and i'm ready for the fight, any good boss battle has a few game-overs before you win. victory's on the horizon, but i'm gonna accept my well-deserved beatings a couple more times before i get there. maybe after this weekend.

i'm also gonna be working on a musical script for scriptfrenzy for this month. i don't have high expectations for myself, but it'll be fun. i hope.

rainy day blues

03.30.2010

it's raining and my class is over and i'm going back to sleep. just try and stop me. i might give another update tonight but don't count on it tiger.

:p

03.28.2010

net's down so i can't update—writing this out of habit, really. i'm not writing a full post today anyway because i'm putting a few hours into writing a paper for class. hey i'm getting my writing done either way.

so there :p

one short day

03.27.2010

today's saturday—that means tomorrow is sunday. and on sunday, everybody comes back to campus, and spring break will be officially over. so tomorrow i'm going to be getting done all the work that i've avoided for the past week—i have a paper to do and some other small things to finish up. i have half a semester's worth of flash projects to catch up with, but i doubt i'll get them all done tomorrow.

so what did i do this past week? well, i walked and climbed a lot. i played a lot of pokémon. i watched a lot of stuff on hulu. wasted a good amount of time on 4chan. i wrote a short story and i read a book. i masturbated. a lot. i updated this blog every night. but most importantly, i spent a lot of time thinking. thinking about myself. introspection's a really worthwhile thing if it's done right, i realize. it's too easy to be sad and sit around and criticize oneself for a week. but i didn't do that. it was tempting, yeah—but i forced myself to be active. to do things that i wanted to do, and i really thought hard about what makes me happy. about what i want out of life.

on a lot of levels this past week has been nothing but a tremendous waste of time. but on another level—a really important one—i rediscovered who i am. and that was something that i desperately needed.

here's to the second half of the semester. :)

lowercase blues

03.26.2010

i write my blog posts using lowercase for a good reason. i'm not trying to be cool or trendy or modern or anything. i'm just keeping it casual. i don't want to put too much thought into my blog posts—i want to keep it flowing directly from my mind, and i tend to think in lowercase most of the time.

do other people think in lowercase? do other people even pay attention to the visual appearance of words in their minds? do other people make typographical errors within their own thoughts? sometimes i spell things incorrectly on purpose because it gets the point across differently. the human mind processes everything through symbols, and the written language is nothing more than an extremely abstract series of symbols that we've trained ourselves to understand. the way we present those symbols can form a "voice", and even if that voice is seen visually and not heard, every person's written voice can be unique. plenty of people use proper grammar in their written voices, and that's fine. it can say a lot about a person. but me—i'm a lowercase kind of guy.

skinning bagels

03.25.2010

my breakfast food of choice is—and has been for a good number of years—the classic toasted bagel with cream cheese. if i could, i would begin every morning with a nice bagel with cream cheese. there's something beautiful in the familiar simplicity of the taste. it tastes like home, no matter where i am.

the perfect bagel is toasted where the outside is a nice and crisp golden-brown but there's a warm softness to the inside. when i was younger, i would often "skin" my perfectly-toasted bagels. i'd slowly pull off the toasted outside, eating the pieces and enjoying the crispness and texture. that would leave me with a ring of warm bagel interior coated with a thin layer of cream cheese. eating that was heaven. it was like enjoying the best part of the bagel—an injection of pure bagel beauty.

the idea of skinning bagels, in retrospect, seems pretty weird. i mean the inside of a bagel isn't the essense of bageless—it might as well just be warm bread. the toasted outside is just as important as the inside, and it's the contrast that makes the whole so enticing.

contrast is a beautiful thing. taking two very different things and putting them side-by-side creates a new experience that's altogether unique. and it's those experiences that are worth so much more than the individual parts.

looking forward to laughing

03.24.2010

i wanted to do another "this is ___" post but i'm not quite ready for her just yet. plus i'm not in the mood to draw another picture right now. plus there's pizza in the oven and i want to finish this post before it's done. and tonight i'm going to reed's.

reed's is my card shop—not mine in the sense that i own it—but mine in the sense that i'm comfortable there. i feel like a part of the family there. i guess every magic player has their own card shop. where we feel at home, where we know the drill, where we know the people and are comfortable to just relax. it's nice to to have a place where i can relax with friends and just havea good time. and for me, that kind of environment isn't an easy one to find. i'm uncomfortable around too many people and i can't help a feeling of awkwardness whenever i'm in a house or someplace where people live. maybe i'm weird. but i'm looking forward to going to reed's tonight—i don't even have any money to draft, i'm just gonna chill and play pokémon and be around friends. but that's all that i want, really. a guys' night without worry or drama.

it took me a while to get comfortable there—but playing magic (or any game) with someone is an experience that bonds people very quickly and tightly—and it's got the right combination of people and atmosphere to make me feel comfortable. i know for a fact that i'm going to be having a lot of good laughs tonight, and that's always a welcome thing.

blog software blues

03.23.2010

i haven't been eating dinner lately until after i write my nightly blog post. i mean it's my way of ensuring that i keep to the writing. not necessarily as a "your dinner is your reward", but i'm forcing myself to get into the habit. i want to write more, and i'm succeeding because i'm making it a part of my ritual. write a blog post before dinner. once classes start up again and i have other people who affect my schedule, that's going to change—but by then i'll be in the habit of writing every day. hopefully. it is becoming easier and easier to write every day. i'm finding that i have more to talk about as each day passses—maybe i'm becoming more comfortable with the idea of a blog. maybe i'm just getting better at rambling about nothing. who knows?

i think that it's mostly becoming easier because i'm writing for myself and nobody else. i don't know how many people read this and i don't care. if nobody at all sees this i wouldn't mind. if the entire world sees it then good for them. it's pretty faggy keeping a sad little diary or whatever, but fuck it. it's nice to be able to release my thoughts somewhere.

i've done the wordpress thing. livejournal, etc. put hours into making a sexy custom theme for a big new blog. setting up new ftp accounts, a new database, the works. gradients everywhere, flashy buttons, a well-written "about me" page, links, comment systes, the works. i'd install google ads and get ready for something big. then i'd write maybe two posts and then forget about the whole thing.

this page i threw together in maybe ten minutes. shitty little drawing of myself at the top. title that doesn't match the unrelated url. the simplest layout a blog could have. no categories, comments, or fucking "about me" pages. i'm not using a blog software. i update the same single page every night and replace the old one with a good old-fashioned ftp upload.

that's because those were about THEM. and now i'm realizing that this is about ME.

i mean—come on—nobody actually wants to read this shit.

this is jake

03.22.2010

i spent most of the day with jake. we watched the beginning of oz (i could easily devote entire posts to this amazing series and probably will at some point), played a good amount of pokémon, had five guys for dinner and we went for a walk around campus to keep up with my steps. sadly i had to break my daily mountain-hiking because today was very...moist.

remember brian? jake's like brian in that he's one of those people that i believe have a good impact on me. brian oozes a natural coolness—around brian there's always a prevalent aura of comfort and understanding. jake oozes coolness too, but in a different way. he exudes confidence with everything that he does. he always has a spring in his step, and for good reason—he's the center of his universe and he has no shame in that.

i respect that about him, and i've learned a lot from him. it's selfish but in a way that's admirable. there's a reason they call the "I" form first-person. that's because we are the primary characters in our lives. every event, every interaction, every sensation—it's all filtered through the context of "me". the world absolutely does revolve around me. this doesn't mean that other people don't matter—in fact other people matter even more, because they're all the center of their own worlds too.

if wealth was measured in confidence rather than money, i'd be a poor man. oh wait—it is. and i am. but jake's a good influence on me, and i'm becoming more and more confident in myself and my own abilities.

jake's one of my friends and he's also one of my role models.

pride rocks

03.21.2010 (it's been a week since i started this—let's keep it up!)

i'm cool because my blog titles have depth. it's a lion king reference—get it? but the post is also going to be about pride and how it feels great to have it. AND it's about climbing up a rocky trail. man i'm such a cool and intelligent literary dude. the fact that it's a lion king reference is sort of random though—i can't just reference something just for the sake of referencing it—i should find a way to make this post relate to the story of the lion king before i'm done writing it.

so yeah—pride. they say that it's the deadliest of all sins, but they're not talking about the kind of pride i'm talking about. they mean pride above others. they mean undeserved price—arrogance or conceit. i'm talking about self-pride. i woke up today and didn't think i was going to be able to hike up west rock for the fifth day in a row. but i did it anyway. and at the top of the mountain, as i didn't even stop to look at the view over new haven and kept walking along the trails, i realized that i was proud of myself. because i did something that i didn't think i could. and then i kept going.

if you work for something, then it becomes even more rewarding. everybody knows this in theory, but it is so rarely put into practice. not only did i hike up that damned trail when i reaaaaaaally didn't want to, but i somehow took the harder route and found myself climbing up a wall of rock. and at the top i felt like i had really accomplished something.

to a lot of people that's not a big deal. and right now, sitting here in front of my computer screen, it doesn't feel like it was a big deal. the moment is over, and life goes on. i think that's what makes it so rewarding. it was something small, and over time these small things will add up. it becomes easy to be proud of yourself once you figure out how.

hakuna matata.

spring broken

03.20.2010

lately i'm realizing that there are actually a lot of people who do give a shit about me. the hard part is becoming one of those people. i believe them when they say good things about me. i just can't convince myself. so that's my goal for the upcoming week: and it's gonna happen. i have a week to myself while the rest of the world has shut down for spring break. i'm gonna put it to good use—introspection, exercise, masturbation, movies, art, cooking—and maybe even a little bit of homework. i've gotta find myself again, and i'm on the right track. and it's gonna work, too. i'm going to come out of it ready to face anything.

the past four days in a row i have hiked and climbed and walked more than i have in YEARS. i've been clocking in the steps on my pokéwalker like it's my job. people say i'm losing weight. it's a nice feeling, even though i definitely have a loooooong way to go. but more importantly i'm starting to feel good again. and it's easier to fall asleep at night.

now that i know i'm on the right track, i'm worried about someone else who is going through it on her own—someone who doesn't see how important to me she is.

but we'll save that for another time. for now, i am belting along with kate from Avenue Q because i have the entirety of campus to myself.

this is brian

03.18.2010

in my life—and in anybody's life—there are people that i want to keep close to me. it's important to be able to recognize which people are good and which people are bad; whose people i feel good around and the ones who bring me down. not that there's always "good guys" and "bad guys"—but if there were, brian would be a good guy without a doubt.

it's rare to find someone who is genuinely good—someone altruistic, someone who puts others first. someone that everyone likes—someone who it feels natural to trust. dude's a fucking hero. trying not to sound like i have a massive gay crush on him (massive respect and a bro crush though, sure), but it's pretty hard to find anything bad to say about him. really. he's got depth—and the good kind. in the television show that is my life, brian has become a regular cast member. so much that he has his own subplots.

brian's one of my friends and he's also one of my role models.

hspd

03.17.2010

ever feel like you've fucked up and it's too late to fix it?

three little words

03.16.2010

if you ever happen upon a devastating car crash or accident and are in the mood to watch someone die, there are three magical words that people will not bother to question. run in with confidence and claim "i'm a doctor". people will step aside to let you by and you will get a front-row seat to some quality gore! :)

in other words i have a pokéwalker and plan to clock at least twenty-thousand steps a day with it. the original plan was fifty-thousand, but after today i realized how unreasonable that number was. i walked a LOT today and barely reached twenty-four thousand. but my togepi is adorable!

i also want to make sure to update this thing every night or nearly every night. if i'm able to keep to these things—walking and writing—i think that i will become a happier and more productive person.

coffee cup blues

03.14.2010

yesterday i went to the top of the commuter parking garage. it's cold and windy, and the view isn't really breathtaking at all. but it's a quiet place to feel sorry for myself so it's pleasant enough. on the way down i noticed half of a styrofoam dunkin' donuts coffee cup. once in a while i'll pick up a piece of garbage and throw it into a garbage can as i pass by. do my part for the environment. i didn't do that with this. i left it there—it was too cold and windy to stop and clean up other peoples' garbage.

so i kept walking. i was quite a distance away when i saw a piece of trash ahead of me dancing in the wind. it was half of a styrofoam dunkin' donuts coffee cup. after much deliberation, i chased it down and picked it up off the ground. i went back to the parking garage where i had seen the other half. i was going to see if they were two halves of the same cup. it would be an interesting discovery.

they were not two halves of the same cup. the rips didn't line up properly. they both had a full "60th anniversary" logo. heartbroken, i dropped the second piece on the pavement with the first and left.